To A Brother

Hey again brother.

I guess if I don’t write this, maybe I won’t ever be fully over it.

Maybe I won’t forever let it go.

Damn.

I actually do miss you bro.

Damn.

Why did everything turn out this way?

I thought we were going to be friends forever.

A guy I can tell my kids one day.

A guy who always had my back.

A guy who I went through University life with.

A guy I could trust to hell and back.

Alas.

That’s not how life is right?

Friends come and go.

I guess that’s how things are now.

I wish things were different.

I wish it could be as easy as forgiving you.

People tell me that forgive him, don’t live with the bitterness.

It will eat you up inside.

Do I really want to live with this forever?

Maybe I have to.

Hell, our egos are both too big I guess.

If there was a middleman that care, maybe all this is over.

We won’t be bros like we used to, but maybe we could bump into each other on the streets and say hello.

I really do wish someone really care enough to do so.

I’ll never bring myself to do that.

Because you and I, we both believe that neither is wrong.

I really did think, maybe she would be the one who would try to bring us back together.

But I guess she doesn’t bother.

Maybe you don’t bother as well.

I guess your life is better without us being brothers as it was before.

Neither is trying to reach out.

Trying to be friends again.

Well I guess I have to live life with that being a fact.

Whenever, wherever we bump into each other in the future.

Its gonna hurt.

That we are strangers now.

Rebound.

I hate this feeling.

I wish that everything can go back to how it was before.

Before i told you how I really felt.

But that’s not how the world works right?

Words spoken can never be taken back.

Combine that with my impulsiveness.

That’s a recipe for disaster right there.

You told me.

We both need a chill out period.

We both went over the top a lil.

Yeah, maybe we did.

I know your intentions.

I know it’s not right to keep all this bitter feeling inside.

But for now, that’s all I know how to do.

Maybe, just maybe that feeling is less now.

But I can’t just go around saying I’m fine.

I know what you said is true.

Forgiving them, it not the same as having to be fine.

Right?

Just let the bitterness go.

I am learning to do that.

I am really sorry that I tried to make you feel like a rebound.

Even if I don’t want to admit it.

Subconsciously I guess I tried to rebound to you.

You deserve better than that.

After all you have gone through.

That’s not the right way for me to do it.

I really do like you.

That won’t change.

Back when you first ask me to ‘tapau’.

I knew back then that I liked you.

But back then I couldn’t just run up to you and tell you all that.

If I did, maybe we won’t be such great friends now.

But maybe also I would’ve saved you some pain from everything.

I know all this is just sweet nothings to you.

For now, that’s all I can give you.

Sweet nothings.

Sweet nothings that I wish can comfort you.

Sweet nothings that I hope you can trust me enough to tell me what pains you.

Sweet nothings that I hope can change back things to how there were before.

Maybe things are already back to how it was before.

But it just doesn’t seem the same to me.

I messed up I guess.

But I’ll continue to do that.

I overthink stuff.

That’s the norm for me.

Anyways, I’ve rambled long enough.

I wish everything will go back to how it was.

My feelings won’t change, and I hope I don’t scare you away.

Reflection.

Now that’s something I haven’t done in a while.

To reflect on your own actions.

To reflect on the person you have become.

I see the guy in the mirror;

And all this while..

I believe it's the same guy looking back.

The same guy from those years gone by.

Supposedly wiser.

Supposedly mature.

It dawned on me recently.

That it's never the same guy looking back.

It’s just me; believing that is the same guy looking back.

The same cheerful, free spirited guy; with passion in abundance.

I know that guy is still in there somewhere.

Waiting for his time to show the world.

To show the world that I have not changed.

To show that I have learnt from my mistakes.

However, I have not learned from my mistakes.

I still make it.

Imperfect.

Back then;

I looked at those guys making the same mistakes,

The mistakes I find myself doing so right now.

I laughed at them deep down.

I judged them.

I passed comments that why would you do such a thing?

Wake up.

I felt I wanted to tell them to wake up.

To tell them what they should be doing instead.

To realize that they can be better.

But here I am.

Years on from passing judgement;

Without realizing that I am one of them.

Just another guy.

Just another guy in this world.

Making the same mistakes as they did.

I conformed to the standards.

I was;

Maybe I am;

Turning to one of them.

One of them that hurt other people.

Yes; I know.

Deep down I know.

I am not like them.

I can still turn this around.

I truly wish and hope to believe that there is time to turn it around.

Those who know me will say; you are not like them.

We know who you are.

To these people.

Thank you.

But as I reflect back.

I realized that I am one of them.

An asshole.

I am one of those guys who have had my fair share in hurting others.

Turning into that asshole; the very same that back then, I passed judgement on.

Karma, huh?

Never thought I would be one of them.

My Robin Sparkles.

In life, there is nothing like listening to your own advice from another person’s mouth.

Its not that you don’t know about it, but it is reassuring to know that another person thinks the same way.

Its comforting.

To know that you are not the only one who thinks about it that way.

Most importantly, it is reassuring.

Because only then you would know that advice is not a complete mistake.

Because there are many times where you would have done what you think what is right and things might not have turned out that way.

What way? That right way, right result that you so dearly sought out for.

Its not a matter of a lack of confidence but more of a matter of having a bit too much of it.

So. 

This is written as I think of the words that my brother, a brother from another mother, said to me.

However, there is an important advice in there that I would have missed if I acted accordingly on my own.

You know, 90% of these is evasion, almost everything she says is trying to evade, so its time to move on brother. 2 years and a half in waiting is long enough. Everyone in life seeks for that positive reassurance, that positive support in live. People get together as a couple not because they are lonely, rather, there is a need to share the burdens in life with another, to be one another’s pillar of support. To be... That positive reassurance. Always knowing, when there is something going on in your life, there is someone to share that with. No matter joy or sorrow. There is someone there to share it with. 

But remember, also be that other person’s pillar of support. A relationship is not about one person doing his or her best trying to make it happen. The compromise is never one way. If it is, that is the wrong way you are going down. It is about compromising and being one another’s pillar of support.

Being each other’s positive reassurance that is there for sorrow or joy may come.

Yeah, of course I knew this.

I knew that all this while that evasion have been present.

The evasion that denied me the chance to be her pillar of support, as she was not prepared to be mine.

I always thought, if I did not have closure I could not move on. 

Closure was what I needed in order to move on.

However, this bit of advice was one that I did not think of.

In life, if every relationship was ended the right way with the closure, then there would never be a chance down the road to reignite it. Thus, not everything in life must be closed off. Some doors we should just keep open as we do not know what may come from it in the future. Even if it was 90% evasion. There was always a chance. There is still that 10%.

This was the part that I missed out.

I may have worded it differently, but that was always the point.

Moving on.

Was never about closure.

That was what my naive heart never figured out.

And now I knew.

In life, it is not always about closure but somehow its about learning to move on.

Learning to look pass it.

And accept.

That maybe she is not meant for you.

Accept. It. 

I always thought of her as my Robin Sparkles.

Heck.

It was the same story line, two and a half years invested.

With hope in the heart, that it was gonna be.

Just the difference between her and Robin was that Robin was always around.

She was not.

The messages are lukewarm I said when people asked.

Humbug.

Who am I kidding?

I knew it was not.

My attempt to catch the robin of my heart was fading.

She was flying away.

The closer I got. The further she flew away.

With that, I must accept.

That my robin was destined to flew up above without me.

But who knows, maybe in the future I too would be up there flying with her.

But for now.

I need to accept that fact.

I need to let my Robin fly.

(Yeah I know its been long since I posted anything, but I feel blogging is a fad that has passed, but I love writing, and will try to update more often. Will try to keep the sad and sappy parts moderated. Cheerios.)